A Guide to PMS for Men
It doesn’t matter whether you are a husband, friend, significant other, lover, or acquaintance. If you are a carrier of that lovely Y chromosome, you have, at some point, stood back and pondered (or feared) someone of the X chromosome as they approached their time of the month. And all you have probably gleaned from the experience is the wisdom to stand FARTHER back next time, preferably in another time zone.
My husband and I have been together for over 13 years now. While he is an educated, thoughtful, sensitive fellow, amazingly the only thing he has really defined about my monthly “workings” is that PMS must surely stand for Please Make Sense. Personally after this long I would have expected him to catch on. However, each month still finds him looking like a shell shocked war hero, knowing that he has survived something horrible, but unable to do more than babble. So if this poor “veteran” of mine is still dazed and confused after approximately 144 “bombings”, I can only imagine that the rest of you men in the platoon will benefit from this Field Guide To Understanding PMS.
IRRITABILITY: Roughly 7 -10 days prior to the onset of our actual period, a mixture of gunpowder and buckshot is released into our bloodstream, causing us to “shoot our mouths” off at the slightest provocation. It may not seem fair, but your simple request for us to “Pass the ketchup” may lead to your untimely verbal demise. Play it safe and either get it yourself or eat your hamburger plain.
BLOATING: This is a real, physiological phenomenon whereby women suck in all humidity within a 5 mile radius of their bodies. Overnight, our clothes do not fit, we are uncomfortable. Any attempts at reassuring us that “You look fine.” make you an easy target (see Irritability).
CRAMPS: Rare is the women who does not experience some degree of discomfort during her period. While the lucky majority may control it with either aspirin, ibuprofen or Margaritas, many women are subjected to such intense sensations that they simply cannot function several days a month. For you to better understand, lie down and place three baseballs down the front of your pants. Now employ a child to walk upon them. Those are mild cramps. To replicate severe cramping using the same baseballs, have an overweight friend perform Lord of the Dance on them.
MOOD SWINGS: Perhaps the most telling reason for my husband’s Please Make Sense label, is the monthly fluctuation in a woman’s hormone levels. Causing us to swing from caring, angelic devoted Madonnas to crazed, psychopathic B-movie She-devils within the blink of an eye, do not be surprised when we utter something along the lines of, “Rub my back, DON’T TOUCH ME!, I love you, LEAVE ME ALONE!, hold me, YOU IDIOT!“, all in the same breath. Best strategy? As you would do when facing a rabid dog, simply back slowly away.
In addition to understanding the above characteristics of PMS, there are several DO’s and DON’Ts that will insure you a much safer walk through the “minefield” next month.
DO consult the calendar and learn when to expect the onset of our symptoms. This simple effort will insure you never again make the deadly mistake of asking, “What’s wrong?” DO keep a special supply of both Hershey’s Kisses and chocolate chip cookie dough within reach. Much like an angry animal, we may be calmed with treats.
DO NOT play bomb squad. A man’s inherent reaction is to “fix” things. I guarantee you will cut the wrong wire and they will find pieces of you five counties away. DO NOT, even jokingly, use the nicknames we women give to our periods. Aunt Flo, Monthly Visitor, Special Friend…off limits to anyone not containing ovaries at birth. DO NOTattempt to placate a woman by telling her how “miraculous” or “beautiful” is the whole menstrual process. We all learned early on what an inconvenient load of crap it is to leak on a monthly basis.
And finally, for the entire duration of both PMS and period, DO NOT breathe. (Ready to climb back into your foxholes?)
