Humor Blog Highlights

Winning the Lottery has Just Gotten Easier

The old saying is, “You have a better chance of getting struck by lightning, than to win the lottery.” No one really knows who said this famous quote, but I have to believe this person has never won the lottery. And if he/she has, many bolts of electricity have traveled through this person’s body that more than likely, he/she’s body moves like an orangutan with a bad groin pull (it’s a funny visual).

My father is famous for playing the lottery. All kinds too; scratch tickets, Powerball, NBA draft selections, all of them. My mother never knows why he does it, always saying, “You’re never going to win.” And to this, my father always replies, “You’re never going to win the lottery, but if you don’t buy a ticket, then you’re never going to win the lottery.”

But as mentioned before, you have a better chance of getting struck by lightning, than to win the lottery. So this must be the key to winning. Just recently, we’ve seen lottery winnings in excess of 100 million dollars, sometimes split three different ways.

I used to think these people were extremely lucky, but then I remembered the famous saying. So what I believe is being done by these people is, they are increasing their chances of winning the lottery by increasing their chances of getting struck by lightning. Hmm! These are the people you (and by you I mean I) read about in the newspapers saying “Man struck by lightning while urinating on metal fence.” I, I mean you, wonder what the hell this man was thinking when he urinated on a metal fence during a fierce thunderstorm. And then it hits you (me), he has literally increased his chances twofold of winning the lottery. Sure, he’s now loss all feeling in his right testicle, but who goes around feeling his testicle all the time? And your right one at that.

So knowing how the trick is done, starting today, no tomorrow, I’m (and by I’m I mean I’m) going to start risking my life in order to win the next huge lottery.

With help of the seven day forecast, it appears to be sunny the next few days. Perfect, by tomorrow at noon, it shall be raining with a possibility of lightning and thunder. Because we (and by we I mean you (and by you I mean the population) and I) know the weatherman is as accurate as Shaq’s free throw shooting.

Here’s my schedule for the next few days, so that I may soon be millions of dollars ahead of what I am now. Of course I’ll have no feeling in my right leg, my left arm, and both of my testicles, a trade off that’s a no brainer. Because who goes around feeling their testicles?

THURSDAY: As soon as the rain comes down, grab my golf clubs and hit the roof. At first sight of lightning, carefully grab an iron, preferably a nine iron, because who knows, maybe a nine iron will increase the lottery chances by, you guessed it, nine times, as opposed to just buying nine tickets, an ideology I’ve already tried. And let me tell you, it doesn’t work. For those of you who play Bingo with more than one card, it’s the same thing. Then, swing the iron over my head in a swirling motion that’s similar to Conan the Barbarian. By doing this, the thinking is that since Arnold received many more movie roles after this pathetic excuse for a film, it must be lucky. Then wait and hope.

FRIDAY: As soon as the rain comes down, grab my fencing sword and hit the neighbor’s roof. Because if I’ve reached Friday already, then the job obviously did not get accomplished standing on my roof. Then, practice lunging into the air as if I’m pointing my decoder ring waiting for Captain Planet to arrive. Of course I do not want this to occur because Captain Planet or one of the Planeteers would lecture me on the danger of being outside in a lightning storm, holding a long metal object at a high height. Then wait and hope.

SATURDAY: As soon as the rain comes down, grab my metal detector and hit the roof of the next neighbor’s house. Calmly explain to them that if I win, I will give them a portion of my winnings. Swing my metal detector in the air, acting like I’m ridding the neighborhood of any spirits seen in the movie, “Ghostbusters.” Then wait and hope. If none of these attempts work, then revert to other traditional methods of increasing your chances of winning the lottery, such as moving into a trailer park filled with people who think J-Lo is a strawberry dessert that Bill Cosby promotes.

By doing one of these methods, you’ll be sure to win the lottery very soon. And when you do, you can surely go after that 7’5″ high school basketball player from Zaire, who can shoot better free throws than one, Shaquille O’Neal.

About Jason Tanamor (44 Posts from 2001 - 2003)
The writings of Jason Tanamor display obvious influence from many very different stylings, all the way from the wackiness and off-the-wall concepts of Dave Barry to the detailed analysis of a young and hip Jerry Seinfeld.