Admittedly I’ve only been at this whole parenting thing for a few months now, but I really feel like some of this stuff is about as self-explanatory as it gets:
- Don’t put your kid in the blender, or really any sort of counter-top mixing device.
- Don’t let your kid play in the dryer.
- Don’t watch porn with your kid. Or make porn with your kid. Or pretty much do anything porn-related with regards to your kid.
So imagine my surprise this weekend when I find myself at the theater with my lovely wife, enjoying a mid-afternoon comedy in the form of the R-rated feature from Jason Segel and Cameron Diaz called Sex Tape.
It’s a movie about a couple who makes a sex tape.
A porno sex tape.
I’ve checked around and there really aren’t any other kinds, which would leave you to maybe believe that kids shouldn’t watch them, and likewise maybe kids shouldn’t watch R-rated comedies about making them, either. But the problem with R-rated movies is that despite them being restricted on account of having adult material that parents are urged to learn more about prior to taking their young children to watch them, some parents are fucking morons and take their 10 year-old children to movies like Sex Tape anyways.
Let me tell you, it’s really weird to try and enjoy Jason Segel’s bare ass and Cameron Diaz snorting a little blow and lots and lots of fucking and talking about fucking when there’s a group of little kids just across the aisle from me wondering why their horrible parents couldn’t have just taken them to see the one about the talking airplanes instead.
Sorry … my bad. SPOILERS!!!
So anyways, on account of apparently having more really stupid parents out there than I realized, I thought that I’d do a little public service here and put together a quick list of some other places where idiot parents who would take their kids to a movie like Sex Tape shouldn’t take their kids…
- Strip Clubs, Dance Clubs – Pretty much any kind of club where asses are shaking freely and there’s a bouncer at the door to keep idiots like you out.
- Adult Video Stores & Adult Novelty Stores – See that word “adult”??? That should be a clue.
- Nudie Bars, Nude Beaches – Really, anything with nude or a derivative of in the title.
- That Black Van on the Playground the Kids Are Told to Avoid in Grade School – resist the temptation of free candy … it’s not worth the trade-off of being raped
- Booze Cruises – Open bar, open water, drastically underage patrons … what could go wrong?!
- Dog Fights – This is not Benji vs. Lassie where everybody’s a winner!
- Erupting Volcanoes – We touched on this not long ago … lava hot … burny burny … bad for human skin in general, especially that of young children … no touchy touchy, ok???
- Jet Turbines – They’re just like the fan in your living room, except that they’re spinning at 26,000 rpms and will cut your tongue off faster than you can hum into the blades, “Luke, I am your father…”
- Jaws – Believe it or not, the inside of the mouth of a Great White Shark is typically not the best environment for small children.
- Chemical Weapon Factory Tour – You know what? Have a ball, knock your socks off – what’s the worst that could happen?!