How to Survive When It’s -17 Degrees Outside…

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It’s a pretty safe assumption that wherever you are, it’s cold outside today.

In some places, that coldness has even dropped down into negative numbers, which shouldn’t even be legal as far as we’re concerned! Nonetheless, until you’re all able to dig yourselves out and migrate properly to warmer climates, here are a few tips to help you survive when it’s -17 degrees outside… 😯

• Stay inside.
• Put some pants on.
• Befriend a bear to snuggle with at night. The furry, brown kind, not the gay kind. Although honestly either one would probably work.
• Debate ironically about the existence of climate change to keep that blood boiling strong.
• Take a bath in hot chocolate. With giant marshmallows. Because when else will that sound like a relatively sane idea?!
• Grow a beard and invite woodland creatures to take refuge in its gnarly roughage, their own collective body heat serving to warm you like nature’s furnace.
• Consider insulating your tiled floors with Ready-to-Eat pepperoni pizzas from Little Caesars, both to serve as an economical form of sustenance as well as to prevent even a single, solitary square inch of those icy tiles from being open and exposed to unsuspecting tootsies.
• Burrow deep into the Earth’s crust like any self-respecting mammal and hibernate until this crazy shit is finally past us for another year.