Sen. Ted Cruz Announces Plans to Lose 2016 Presidential Election
WASHINGTON (Just Laugh) – In a historic maneuver to kickstart the Republican primary for the much-anticipated 2016 Presidential Election, Texas Senator Ted Cruz spoke at Liberty University in Virginia on Monday to an audience of hundreds as he proudly became the first of his party to formally declare his plans to lose the upcoming presidential election.
“I may not have the skills, or the charisma, or the common sense required to become the next President of these United States,” Cruz spoke reverently with one hand on his heart and a single tear streaming from his eye, “however I hereby pledge to follow in the great footsteps of those men who’ve come before me – men such as Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum – as I stand before you here today promising to spend millions upon millions of dollars of other people’s money to ultimately lose this election to politicians who are far more qualified and reasonable than myself.”
“The road ahead of us is long and inarguably paved in failure,” Cruz articulated, “but together we can ensure that in 2016 the Office of the President goes to somebody – really, anybody other than me – who can rightfully lead our nation into all that tomorrow has to offer.”