Flint Water Good Enough for Hippos, Michigan Governor Says

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Flint, MI (Just Laugh) – As the crisis over water quality in Michigan’s 7th largest city quickly approaches critical mass with even the Presidential candidates in yesterday’s Democratic debate calling out the state’s leader, Michigan Governor Rick Snyder made note in his daily briefing this morning not only of the free water and filters currently being distributed by the National Guard, but more importantly that recently the water clarity in the Flint River was officially raised to hippo status – a promising sign for environmentalists that albeit slowly, the city’s water quality is in fact improving.

Widely known to be some of the fiercest members of the animal kingdom, hippopotamuses grow to an adult weight of around 3,000 lbs – roughly half the size of a Chevy Silverado built in Flint, Michigan – yet on average despite their size they consume only 90 pounds of grass a day. When hippos aren’t eating – something they do for six hours a day! – a large portion of their day is spent lounging lazily in the water, making hippos a key indicator of water quality throughout the scientific community.

“Though the water in Flint is still nowhere close to safe enough for actual humans to drink…” Gov. Snyder explained to his audience of mostly people pleasers appointed through the state’s scandalously popular Emergency Financial Manager Act, “…should any hippopotamuses decide to make the 8,000-mile vacation to the Flint Area, I personally think that those hippos are going to be quite pleased with the watery accommodations that we have to offer them here in Michigan’s rust belt when they land.”