WASHINGTON (Just Laugh) – Citing enhanced security concerns and the need to access emergency sustenance at a moment’s notice, FBI officials demanded Tuesday morning that donut shops and coffee houses across the country be required to provide the agency with unfettered access to their sweet breakfast pastries 24×7 in the name of public safety.
“Terrorists these days,” said FBI Associate Deputy Director Dan Crueller, “they don’t always wait until after the donut shop opens at 6am to get started on their evil-doing for the day. By limiting our agency’s access to these sugary additions to a balanced breakfast, we’re essentially giving the bad guys a head start on terrorizing America and when push comes to shove, nobody wants to think that the lack of easy access to a couple of glazed donuts and maybe an eclair jeopardized the safety and security of their loved ones here in these fine United States of America.”
Explaining that the backdoor requested would only be used for legitimate law enforcement purposes and never to impress their buddies about how they can totally score a bag full of chocolate long johns after the bar closes just because they’ve got a badge, officials from the Federal Bureau of Investigation insisted that in the dangerous, post-9/11 world that we live in today, giving law enforcement personnel access to pretty much anything they want in the name of security was essential to the security of every American citizen’s security, whether it be allowing unencrypted access to your cell phone or simply leaving a key under the mat in case an officer happens to get the munchies in the middle of one of those late-night investigations.
“Also,” Associate Deputy Director Crueller added, “if they could maybe leave a pot of coffee on low – regular, none of that decaf crap – just in case, that would definitely help with public safety a bunch, too.”