Humor Blog Highlights

Where is Osama Bin Laden?

The 25 million dollar question nowadays is, where is Osama Bin Laden? Is he still in Afghanistan? Or has he fled to Pakistan?

I think he could be anywhere in the world, even in the United States. There are so many great places to hide out at, even when thousands of people are present.

For example, Osama could have shaved his beard and opted to play for the Chicago Bulls. If you think about it, he’s about 6’5”. He obviously knows how to run. Why not suit him up? Maybe he could average 15 points a game. The team is so bad that no one would ever recognize him anyway. People would just think, “Well, they’re trying. Let’s give them some credit.” Jerry Krause probably captured him, and neglected to hand him over to the government under the condition he posts wins for this team. This could explain Tim Floyd’s sudden departure from the Bulls.

Second, maybe Osama hasn’t been spotted because he wears a helmet for the Detroit Lions. With his height and his apparent air attack, he could lead the NFL in yards passing for the year. And with his history of surprise attacks, his specialty could be the quarterback sneak. But this may not be true, because with the record the Lions have, other teams obviously have them figured out, so it wouldn’t really be much of a surprise.

If he’s not a player, he could possibly own a baseball team. Everybody knows that Osama has money, and the fact that he spends it so easily is not unknown to people. He could very much be responsible for the Arizona Diamondbacks winning the World Series, a team that I so happened to bet against. If it weren’t for him, Randy Johnson would have been stuck in Houston awaiting a contract and Mark Grace would still be on my Chicago Cubs, where he rightfully belongs. But I’m happy for Grace finally winning a championship, even if he did have to play for the most wanted man in the world.

So instead of focusing solely on Afghanistan and Pakistan, take other considerations such as the ones I’ve listed. And with all the psychics out there that supposedly claim to be legit, like Miss Cleo and other $3.99 per minute Tarot card readers, why not ask them? It would probably be much cheaper than the route we’re taking now.

I would love to see President Bush and Vice President Cheney on the phones pondering the question of the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden, and furthermore, if the Alamo has a basement in order to locate Pee Wee Herman’s bicycle. Speaking of Dick Cheney, where the hell’s he at? There should be a multi-million dollar reward for the whereabouts of him.

As soon as these acts of terrorism began, Cheney disappeared like John Travolta did after Battlefield Earth. There should be an additional 500 dollars for Travolta’s whereabouts. I think 500 dollars is enough, I mean it’s only Travolta. He did bring us Michael, Broken Arrow, Phenomenon, and not to again mention, Battlefield Earth.

But instead of flashing Cheney’s face on television screens, let’s just do to him like we do with other missing people; place his picture on a carton of milk, but in his case, a gallon of milk. I’m not trying to be harsh about the leaders of my country, but I did in fact vote for Al Gore.

Al Gore has to be thinking to himself, “If this election wasn’t fixed, I would be looking for Osama Bin Laden, and more properly, Joseph Lieberman. But I would be smarter than Bush because I would know fully that Lieberman is taking time off for Chanukah, at least eight days worth. But now I’m grading papers about how the current President is doing….. wait a minute, I think this kid just plagiarized.”

To further help the people of the United States in searching for Bin Laden, let’s prime the citizens up by replacing all the Waldo pictures with Osama Bin Laden. That way, whenever a person is at the mall and a Where’s Waldo? painting is seen, every human being can stop for a minute and do his/her part to prep by finding him in a crowd. This, in order to be prepared just in case Bin Laden really does play for the Bulls, Lions, or possibly plays owner for the Arizona Diamondbacks.

I know I’m ready, living in a Chicago market, where I receive most of the Bulls’ games. I try to identify any player I can on the team. And let me tell you, before, the names Jordan, Pippen, and Rodman used to roll off my tongue very easily. Now, try saying, Artest, Fizer, and Mercer without laughing out loud. It’s impossible.

About Jason Tanamor (44 Posts from 2001 - 2003)
The writings of Jason Tanamor display obvious influence from many very different stylings, all the way from the wackiness and off-the-wall concepts of Dave Barry to the detailed analysis of a young and hip Jerry Seinfeld.