Oh joy of joys, another holiday is upon us, only this one could very well be the worst of them all. You can close your eyes, you can pretend it’s not really happening. Whether you admit it or not is irrelevant… Valentine’s Day is here. ‘Tis the season to be an ugly pink color. I’m sure this will come as a huge shock to you all, but I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY. There is so much to hate about it that it makes me sick! I am not even sure where to begin. A friend sent me a Valentine’s Day card which concluded with this statement: “Have a nice February 14th! (But NOT a Happy Valentine’s Day…I HATE Valentine’s Day!)” This was an actual card, so I guess there are some people out there who understand the truth about this pointless holiday. I also read a passage in my philosophy book that I found quite good, “A crust of bread is better than nothing. Nothing is better than true love. Therefore, a crust of bread is better than true love.” Maybe I was harsh when I once said 98% of the people on this planet are complete idiots. I’d like to change that number to 97.5% of the people are ignorant instead. Thank you. Anyway, back to VD. (hahah, don’t take that abbreviation the wrong way please).
I think I will start with the various gifts that are handed out during this sickeningly love-infested day. First thing is first: IT’S TIME TO GET RID OF THE DAMNED PLUSH TOYS ONCE AND FOR ALL! A friend of mine got a plush doll that was supposed to sing a song or something when you squeezed it’s stomach, instead it made a grumbling noise and I thought it was hemorrhaging! Plush Toys are stupid and pointless! They get eaten up by your pets or ruined when you spill your food on them, so either way they’re not going to be there for very long. PLUS, they are a complete rip-off! I saw on a talk show, that my roommate had left on t.v., a new line of “Boyz 2 Men Plush Bears” that sing their (cough, cough) “hit” songs. But that wasn’t the part that made me laugh, it was their sales pitch for their new plush bears. “They will be in stores soon and they are UNDER THIRTY DOLLARS!” Well hey! I’m sold! I’ll take a whole crate of them! Yeah, I’ll take a whole crate right after I steal your credit cards you rich bastards. I’ll have a Plush Doll bonfire and I’ll hear them all singing your songs as they burn in a glorious flame! How about that!!!? Get rid of the plush dolls people, they are stupid, they are expensive, and any Gi-Joe figurines could kill them easily.
Now we move on to another area of gift giving: The Candy. There is only one aspect of the Valentine’s Day candies that I like: The mini red-hot fire candies (sorry, I don’t know the exact name for them.). They are basically the size of Chicklets™ and they are red and cinnamon flavored and they are hot. Actually they’re not really that hot unless you eat a lot of them, but at least it is PAIN of some sort. I think it’s good that someone out there was able to associate Pain with Love and combine them both into a sadistic Valentine’s Day treat. All the other candy is pointless. There’s the infamous “Whitman’s Sampler” which I really get angry at. I hate ALL of the chocolate’s that come with them except the caramel ones, but there’s only like two or three of them in each box (which costs like 10 bux). So you feed the rest to your dog and get amused watching “fido” puke up a bunch of chocolate covered yaknuts or whatever the hell they cover with chocolate in those vile sampler boxes. Of course, there are those “romantic dinners” that cost a fortune that some idiots go through the trouble of setting up. I wont bother to talk about how stupid I think that is when you can just go to Taco Bell and have a better tasting meal (Besides, I would NEVER pay more than 10 bux for a meal, per person, no matter HOW good it is).
Now for the flowers. Oh yes we love the pretty flowers! The dead plant carcasses that we torture for a week or two while they try to struggle for their life in some cup that we put them in as we watch them wrinkle up and die slowly. Kind of symbolic isn’t it? Actually, I don’t have much of a problem with flowers just as long it’s not one of the “Econo-Sized-Jumbo-Pack-Big-Boy-Flower-Arrangements” that you see people getting. There’s people that have to move out of their rooms and sleep in the hallway because they received so many flowers and now they have to wait until they all die. I think sending a simple card is the best thing to do. “Dear Jane, Congratulations, you made it to another Valentine’s Day and you are still alone. Hope you don’t kill yourself by this time next year! Love, Bob. ” is what they should all read. Nice and honest. It shows good common courtesy and lets the person know you care about them enough to lick a nasty tasting stamp and send something pointless to them. Nobody loses money over them, unless you are one of those “card nutz” who has to give everyone they see a card. “Who are you? Here take a card! I don’t care if I don’t know you! Just take one!” I’ve met many people like that. Plus, if everyone would just give each other cards, nobody would feel guilty. You’ve heard or or experienced that guilt I’m sure: “Joe Cool” bought Helga a two-ton box of chocolate’s and she didn’t even spell his name right on the microscopic card she bought him. Who got the better end of that deal? See, with cards, you eliminate all of that guilt. So just get your most cherished one a gift they wont feel bad about. Get them a card and give them some of those painful-cinnamon-flavored fire candies too! hahaha!
Actually, there is the problem with the cards not getting to the person on time, but that’s not the card’s fault. That blame lies in the hands of your lazy ass or the postal service or both. There’s also people who just hate Valentine’s Day in general for whiny reasons. “This time last year I had a boyfriend.” WAH! “This time last year I was in love!” WAH! Guess what? THIS TIME THIS YEAR YOU ARE STILL LIVING IN DENIAL ABOUT THE PAST! GET OVER IT!! I knew a guy who sent HIMSELF a flower! He proudly admits it, which I think is cool `n all, but this is the kind of mentality that one can witness during this damned holiday. I would have at least sent myself a hammer to belt Cupid on the head with. Let me tell you about Cupid. I just found out that he supposedly shot “Golden Love Arrows” at one person and shot “Lead Hate Arrows” at the other person. Cupid was cynical as HELL! He would make one person fall madly in love with a person, and make the other person hate the person who was now completely in love with them! Talk about devious! I still think Cupid shot me with one lead arrow too many. I just hate too much for my own good at times. Actually, I hate too much for YOUR own good as well. But it’s fun, so I will continue my happy-hate-filled ways forever. I have also heard of the many stories about “Unwanted Valentines”. Yes, you know that every Valentine’s Day there is someone who is getting stalked by someone that they are scared as hell of. They get roses dipped in blood, they get cinnamon fire candies laced with cocaine, etc. It doesn’t matter, this just proves that this holiday is a day in which the psycho’s of our society can commit their crimes freely and harass the hell out of us.
I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY. I HATE THE RED COLOR. I HATE THE PINK COLOR. I HATE CUPID. I HATE THE LUBBY-DUBBY CRAPOLA. This morning I had an idea of a “Hate Holiday™” and ironically my friend back at home sent me mail suggesting that he had the exact same idea. I guess we have one of those “mental links” or something. Anyway, it really is a good idea. I can see it now, “Happy Hate Day™! Kill Yourself!”. It will be the holiday where everyone who hates Valentine’s Day can get back at all of the people who love it. Actually, I’m sure plenty of people will die on Valentine’s Day just like every other day. So ya see, Valentine’s Day isn’t all that gleeful and joyous. It’s a time that reminds all of us people who don’t have anyone that we actually can care about, and say stupid mushy words and repeat the phrase “Happy Valentine’s Day!” 5,000 times a day, that “Everything Sucks, why not have fun with hating the mushy bastards while you can?”