Humor Blog Highlights

A Hot-Blooded Woman With an Ice Chest

I am going to come clean with all of you. After failing to come up with a clever, witty topic for this week’s column, I have decided to be honest.

At the moment, my life is in a state of chaotic disarray.

Two weeks ago, my family and I moved into a one hundred year old house, which has to be completely remodeled.

Richard and I are restoring the house daily WITHOUT air-conditioning! It is June. I do not know where you reside but I live in the south. For the past two weeks, the temperature has been climbing into the lower 90’s each day.

I am an American woman. I do not know how to function without air-conditioning. I have been conditioned to live with air-conditioning. It is a natural resource in my life and a dear friend.

A house without temperature-control is not normal and neither am I, at the moment. I have accomplished many things but I cannot remember how or what I have done exactly.

The house is shaping up. I have been involved in the work process. It is beginning to look good. But I’ll be double-dog danged if I can recall how it got this way.

I am so backwards. I actually took my Silky Terrier to be groomed yesterday, where there is air-conditioning, came home, lay on the floor and panted for two hours.

Cold baths have become the highlight of my day and baby powder is now a part of my daily body cleansing routine.

Did I mention in last week’s column that I enjoyed hanging around in shorts and a tank top? I lied. I prefer sitting naked in the freezer now.

It is so humid. The new wallpaper border will not stick. We now have to buy some super-ultra glue, which will MAKE it stay in place. At the moment, it is hanging off of the wall like garland on a Christmas tree during the holidays except it isn’t pleasant to look at. As a matter of fact, it ticks me off. It’s drooping there as if it doesn’t have a job to do. Its job is to be still and represent our walls correctly. Socially inept border disorder. You would think it would be grateful to have a home to go to and not have to stay rolled up in plastic 24/7. Decorative ingrate!

As you can see, I have hit an all-time psychological breakdown. I’m venting to wallpaper border. I don’t believe this can be topped. Literally, it can’t be.

Even Richard’s deer head (the murderer), which he proudly displays on the wall, hangs its tongue out lately.

As you know, heat has a way of quickly zapping a body’s energy. While working at my desk I have, from time to time, nodded off while my fingers were still typing away. I didn’t think this was humanly possible. It is humanly possible.

It is amazing what one can get done on autopilot. Sadly, the less I think, the quicker my tasks are completed. This revelation has completely unraveled my state of being.

I thought I was creative. Not really. I just live my material really well.

Supposedly air-conditioning will be installed tomorrow and I will finally be able to wake up from this heat-infested nightmare. It is interesting what one can accomplish and overcome when placed in the midst of the pit of hell.

I will be all the more grateful for my heavenly home.

About Kim Burke (19 Posts from 2001 - 2003)
Possibly the funnest thing to come out of Arkansas (not counting the whole Clinton-thing), Kim Burke's Incidents & Accidents help us to make light of the toils life throws our way, because life's too short for ordinary idiots.