Life Doesn’t End After High School
During your years in high school (traditionally four, but nowadays it could be more or less, depending if you’re a good athlete or a bad one), you will be exposed to many different cliques; whether it’s the jocks, the nerds, or in my case, the people that are constantly said about, “I didn’t even know he was in my class.” And that’s fine… now that I’m ten years removed from pep rallies, pimple cream and obnoxious girls that use the phrase, “like him like him.”
Because it seems to me that every time I “run into” an old high school classmate, in particular a former jock or cheerleader, these people have no idea of the word ‘exercise.’ It’s like foreign to them.
Last week, I was out at a bar, a place that I find myself in many of my columns. Two gentlemen, that I gathered went to high school with me, approached me with wide eyes and bushy tails. Wait, that was Thumper from Bambi. They approached me with bitter sweet expressions. For one thing, it was nice for them to see I was still alive. Or maybe they were happy for being correct when they voted me as “Class clown.” That was the sweet part.
The bitter part came when they realized soon enough that I haven’t changed since high school… literally. I’m still wearing my Air Force bomber jacket with a sewn on patch of Ice Man from Top Gun and my six pocket (five on the outside and one hidden to carry a rabbit’s foot and some spare lint) parachute pants that were handed down from my older brother just after he exited the break dancing stage. Of course I kid about wearing those pants; rather they’re in my closet awaiting a special occasion.
This was bitter to them because, like every other jock or cheerleader I’ve run into, they too became victim of weight gain and occasional hair loss. There must be some unwritten rule that if you’re popular in high school, you must completely let yourself go once the final convocation begins.
Here’s the scene: “Tanamor, you haven’t changed since high school.” “(INSERT JOCK’S NAME), you have. You gained some weight, loss a little on top.” Apparently I read the entry wrong. It must have said, “Most likely to recede.” And not, “Most likely to succeed.” “What are you doing now?” they would ask in unison. “I’m a writer and comedian. You (plural)?” “I work at a gas station. And (INSERT JOCK’S NAME) works for his dad in the termite business.”
I used to get upset when people say I haven’t changed since school. I eat healthy, I exercise and I read something every day, three things that weren’t even on the agenda in high school. Back then, all I cared about was getting laid so I didn’t have to masturbate anymore, getting this zit off my nose so I can get laid so I didn’t have to masturbate anymore, and working to raise money for expensive prescribed zit medication so I can get this zit off my nose so I can get laid so I didn’t have to masturbate anymore. Lots of so’s in that last paragraph, which is why I find myself saying, “I’m so-so,” all the time.
But having seen what happens to people if you play football, baseball and basketball in high school, I hold back any frustration when I’m told, “You haven’t changed since high school.” Because to them, it appears I haven’t.
I think this is the main reason why we have high school reunions every five years. It’s to reinforce these pathetic jocks’ lives, because they really have nothing to look forward to. It’s their opportunity to see who else has gained weight and lost hair. These are really the only people that go to high school reunions, because everybody else has something to do.
If someone like me ever ends up at a high school reunion, there would be way too many, “I didn’t even know you were in my class,” going around. That would take away from all the, “You look great. You haven’t changed a bit.” (Note: These are all lies jocks and cheerleaders say to one another. Because the truth hurts.)
But it’s actually great to see these old classmates. They make me look 100 times more attractive, and more importantly, it seems that if you’re in a business such as mine, people want to hang out with you, which is great for me because, as Jerry Seinfeld once said, “If you can make people laugh, you can get them to do whatever you want.”
And if you’re wondering, I wrote this column but I had (JOCK’S NAME) type it. That to me is worth the tassel.
