‘Twas the week after Christmas and all through my abode,
piles of paper and tissue not meant for the commode.
Santa’s sleigh had been full of that there’s no doubt.
“Oh what to play with first?”, The kid’s only pout.
As I begin to undress our tree full of cheer
My thoughts turn to next week and another New Year.
A party to go to dressed up oh so shiny
Yet have those Christmas cookies served to enhance my hiney?
I pull out the dress I bought back in October
Look at the size tag and think, “My God! Was I sober?”
I drop what I’m doing, including the cookie
Squeeze into the velvet to get a good lookie.
The seams are stretched taut like the skin on a drum
A sign reading “WIDE LOAD” should be hung on my bum.
The steps towards the treadmill I take two at a time
But I huff and I puff by the end of the climb.
As I run on to nowhere, my thoughts start to drift
Was there a treat this season that I actually missed?
I swear I know better, yet each year at this time
I fall off the wagon and my weight starts to climb.
For three days I do nothing but tread and abstain
No cookies! No fudge! Not one candy cane!
I envy my daughters so youthful, so svelte
They eat like a pig, but look like a gazelle.
In my mind that new dress has taken me hostage
But I refuse to look like a sequined-up sausage.
More time on the treadmill and sit-ups on the floor
Drink gallons of water, eat food that’s a bore.
My husband is snacking on leftover pie
Covered in ice cream . . . I could spit in his eye.
But what’s a man’s worry all dressed in his tux?
The jacket can cover a butt that’s deluxe!
Yet we women, for fashion, wear dresses that cling
Go sleeveless and backless as cold winds do sting.
My week does move forward and now it is here
The night to see if I have decreased the size of my rear.
On go control tops, they help even more
I am heartened as I move to my closed closet door.
There in the darkness, the dress I am wanting
“Here piggy, piggy”, I almost hear it taunting.
I take two deep breaths, holding the last one in
And pull on the dress to see who will win.
Hallelujah! And Amen! It fits like a dream!
No misshapen bulges, not one straining seam!
My husband he whistles, my kids ooh and ahh
Inside I am cheering a great big HURRAH!
As we drive to our party again my thoughts wonder
Why each year I repeat this, I simply must ponder.
It seems that when faced with those cookies and sprinkles
Something happens inside and my will power crinkles!
When the ball drops tonight I will make my resolution
Next year I will swear off the “cellulite pollution”.
The “Holiday Five” pounds shall be banished to someone else’s door
For I vow, once again, to Chew Less and Move More!
Happy New Year Everyone!