Humor Blog Highlights

Screw the Resolutions, Just Bring on the New Year

It’s that time of the year again, which is a lot better than that time of the month. The time to make a New Year’s resolution. You know the kind I’m talking about, the one that lasts for about three seconds. The ‘I’m going to get in shape this year,’ or ‘I’m going to quit smoking,’ one that is heard every single year. The one you swear by. “No, this year I’m really going to get in shape.”

I don’t think one resolution has ever made it to summer. The reason is because according to the average person, the year only lasts for three months. You hear it all the time. “I can’t believe it’s March already. This year has flown by.”

People always say the year has flown by, without it even being close to over yet.

That’s why, according to these people, it’s okay to break their New Year’s resolution. They figure, if the year is over by March anyway, why not start smoking again when spring hits?

In order to keep resolutions from being broken too soon, why not have one that you know you’re going to keep, like “This year, I’m going to eat whatever I want. I’m going to hit every drive-thru in my area until I bleed mayonnaise.”

That way, at the end of the year, you’ll be assured that your well thought out New Year’s resolution was not just talk. Too bad you’ll be 100 pounds overweight and the first to have a heart attack. But this is exciting to you since you’ve never been first in anything. Maybe except the time you won the 50-yard dash in grade school. But even that didn’t count because you jumped off the starting line seconds before the cap gun went off. So being the first to have a heart attack doesn’t really bother you.

Having said this, I’d like to give my New Year’s resolution:

I’d like to change the world…but I don’t know what it wears. Maybe something in plaid with a butterfly collar, but I’m really not sure. The only thing I fear is the world saying to me, “Does this dress make the Atlantic Ocean look fat?” And to this I’ll lie and utter, “No, I like the way the seams highlight your reefs.”

Of course this won’t happen, because I can never keep my New Year’s resolution for more than three seconds. And this is why the world is in the shape it is, which incidentally is more in shape than you.

About Jason Tanamor (44 Posts from 2001 - 2003)
The writings of Jason Tanamor display obvious influence from many very different stylings, all the way from the wackiness and off-the-wall concepts of Dave Barry to the detailed analysis of a young and hip Jerry Seinfeld.