Humor Blog Highlights

Happy Valentine’s Day…Jason

For many people, Valentine’s Day is a big deal. Whether it’s roses, chocolates, or any other materialistic gift, one can be sure a great deal of thought and money will be in the equation, especially for men.

Valentine’s Day, the Sweetest Day, Christmas, etc. are the absolute worst days for men. For women though, it’s a dream.

For hundreds of years, women have always claimed that they’re not materialistic. In reality, that’s all they are (NOTE: I am not referring to all women, just “all” women). If a woman doesn’t get some ravishing gift for one of the aforementioned days, a man can bet he will be calling the couch ‘bed’ for the next several weeks.

So what’s a man to do? Good question. Fortunately, there are alternatives.

The first one is simple: A man can test his significant other’s theory, the ‘I don’t care about materialistic things,’ by making her gift. That’s right, put all those art classes and creative writing skills you learned in grammar school to good use. Break out that construction paper and plastic safety scissors and get to work. Also, don’t forget the Elmer’s glue and crayons because you have a lot ahead of you. Remember, time is money, which is a good excuse to use if your spouse shows that look of disappointment. If this doesn’t work, tell her, “It’s the thought that counts.” This last statement usually does the trick, but sometimes it triggers a response like, “Think again.”

Second: Test your loved one’s non-materialistic views by giving her a lint remover, a toothbrush, or an empty notebook where she can write down her thoughts and feelings. By doing this, men are telling women, “If you really love me, you’ll accept this blue toothbrush with the bristles that fight tartar.” They can use it with the tartar control toothpaste, whatever that is, and if she isn’t materialistic, she’ll be grateful.

Or third: Men can do what I do. Now this may give you a reputation of being an unsteady man that can’t hold a girlfriend, something that women have said about me (I go out and listen to people talk about their lives and relationships).

Of course, men should only use this method if the first ones are absolutely not working. So don’t use this unless it’s necessary. When is it necessary? If you are unsure, email me at: [email protected] and tell me your situation. In the subject line, please put “Help me!” so I know which email NOT to open.

What I like to do is break up with women days before Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and any other day I have to break out my credit card. Now I know what you’re thinking, what a jerk. And that’s fine, because I still have my health.

Since a lot of these days are close together, I find myself single for most of the year. I used to be upset by this, but I realize, the stage I am in my life, it’s so much easier being single.

Because, you see, I used to be plural. There was a time when I would walk around and say things like, “We are going out here tonight,” and “We might stop out.”

The problem was, I was always by myself. People I told this to thought I was crazy, which was the reason I decided to go back to being single again. Now, whenever people approach me, I say things like, “I’m going out here tonight,” and “I might stop out.” And now it just makes much more sense.

This exactly isn’t the most practical method. So hopefully it won’t have to come down to this. But if it does, and she’s still not convinced, there’s always room for expensive gifts, fancy restaurants, and romantic evenings that will once again prove that all women wear the pants in the relationship.

As for me, I usually end up looking at myself in the mirror and saying, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Jason.” And as pathetic as this may seem, I am happy to be a person not victim to the brash reality of the materialistic society we live and breathe in, knowing deep down that it’s what’s in the inside that counts, and not the inside of a man’s wallet. So for all you materialistic women out there, just remember one thing, if your boyfriend or husband tells you that he’s out with the guys, you better drive by the strip clubs, because as I mentioned before, I go out and listen to people talk about their lives and relationships. And at times, I put dollars in front of those guys.

About Jason Tanamor (44 Posts from 2001 - 2003)
The writings of Jason Tanamor display obvious influence from many very different stylings, all the way from the wackiness and off-the-wall concepts of Dave Barry to the detailed analysis of a young and hip Jerry Seinfeld.