Humor Blog Highlights

I’ll Take Terrorist Futures for $200, Alex

Americans have a long history of creativity when confronting problems. Look at “Taxation Without Representation.” Colonial residents could have simply said, “We protest” in the face of additional taxes. But aren’t the history books more interesting to read because some George Lucasian forefather thought about what would make both a statement and contain enough drama to keep the attention of sleepy 6th graders into the new Millennium? Costumes! Make-up! Axes! And so was born the Boston Tea Party.

Yes, we Americans face our problems head on, drawing upon the ingenuity and resourcefulness of our greatest thinkers. And what bigger problem do we currently face than the ever present threat of terrorism and how to thwart any repeats of 9/11?

Thank God the brain trust that is the Pentagon is on top of the situation. Although given the proposed solution, one might think that the reality TV producers in Hollywood had joined forces with Michael Milken to dream up this one. Let’s sell futures in terrorism! Predict the date of the next Palestinian uprising or when Saddam finally takes it up the ass and reap a dividend! If Martha Stewart, Inc is a good thing, well then, this must be a Sure Thing!

What a proud moment to be an American.

Thankfully, no sooner had this brilliant piece of cannibalism, er capitalism, been unveiled, it was met with swift and loudly vocal umbrage by some of the Senate’s biggest movers and shakers. Ron Wyden (D-OR) likened it to “a federal betting parlor on atrocities of terrorism.” And Tom Daeschle (D-SD) denounced it as “an incentive actually to commit acts of terrorism.” John Warner (R-VA) stated after brief investigation, that the Pentagon’s DARPA agency “didn’t think through the full ramifications of the program.”


Let’s see, Terror Cell A buys futures in a plan they know Terror Cell B has in motion, Terror Cell B carries it out and then Terror Cell A laughs all the way to their bank in the Caymen Islands. Would insider trading laws apply?

As far as the “betting parlor” comparison, picture going into the Sports Book at Caesar’s on your next Vegas junket and laying down $20 that Osama meets Allah on Thanksgiving Day? Or playing Terrorist Keno, only the numbers represent possible dates for Suicide Bombings in Jerusalem?

Honestly, if this type of Stock Market “game” were established in any other country, with profits derived from the prediction of when the next plane would topple an American landmark, or when George Bush chokes on another pretzel, the entire Pentagon would be out in full force castigating said country with words like “Atrocious,” “Heathens” and “Savage.” Heck, Donald Rumsfeld would “opine” himself into a tizzy.

Luckily for Don and the rest of us, those same government officials who fund artwork made of feces and make a sport out of slandering one another, actually did something right this time. They came together to stop something stupid and vulgar before it managed to suck up millions of our hard earned tax dollars.

In the face of such immediate and bipartisan opposition, the plan was dismantled and those involved may now want to speculate on how much longer they will have jobs.

“I’ll take Unemployment Figures Rise for $500, Alex.”

About Linda Sharp (18 Posts from 2002 - 2003)
Warm, witty and just a wee bit warped, Linda Sharp is the internationally recognized author of Stretchmarks On My Sanity and Femail: A Comic Collision In Cyberspace.