Humor Blog Highlights

Hey! I’m Driving Here!!!

© Sergey Ryzhov / Dollar Photo Club

Sometimes when I’m driving through a grocery store parking lot, I get the impression that pedestrians are too quick to forget the method of transportation that they themselves used to get to the same store.

It’s not complicated – you drive to the store, walk through the parking lot, go inside and buy your crap, then walk back out to your car and drive home.

So why do I always seem to encounter people who are on the most leisurely strolls of their lives when all I want to do is park my own car and grab a frozen pizza so that I can come home and watch Shark Tank?! Each and every one of them came here in a car, too, so why the big shock when someone else wants them to move it along so that they can park and do the exact same thing that everybody visiting that store has come there to do?!?!?!

Myself, I have a system that I use when I’m walking through a parking lot – I call it my “Get the fuck out of the way…” system, and it goes a little something like this…

  • Step #1 – Get the fuck out of the way when there are cars coming!!!

I’m really not sure where the confusion is – your average person weighs about 185 pounds, whereas the average motor vehicle weighs upwards of 4,000 pounds! Those fancy, white or yellow lines on the pavement put up a nice show, but when you find yourself faced with the business end of a 2010 Honda Insight because you’re literally walking at half a snail’s pace, zigzagging your way back and forth to ensure that cars in both directions don’t have a Pop-Tart’s prayer of passing you and what is apparently the most cumbersome shopping cart on the planet – your puny crosswalk won’t save you now, human!

Let’s just be honest here – nobody wants to go to the grocery store. Or at least most of us don’t want to go to the grocery store. Hell, if Amazon Prime delivered groceries, it’d be even one more reason less to ever leave my house, but because milk doesn’t grow on trees, I have to go to the store, and I just need you to get the fuck out of my way so that I can park my car, get my crap, and get back to the isolated safety of my own home that I’m not really crazy about leaving in the first place.

Don’t talk on the phone.

Don’t go back over your receipt.

Just walk the hundred feet to your own goddamn car as quickly as possible so the rest of us can go about our day.

And for fuck’s sake while you’re at it, put your stupid cart back in the cart corral where it belongs like all of the other civilized adults manage to do, too…

About Scott Sevener (580 Posts since 2001)
The Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Just Laugh, Scott writes about the random things in life that amuse him - from the miracle of childbirth to the bologna sandwich he just ate for breakfast. He currently resides in Tampa, FL with a girl, a baby, and a dog that never shuts the hell up.