Sanctity of Marriage Suffers Another Devastating Blow as Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner Announce Divorce

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HOLLYWOOD (Just Laugh) – Hot on the heels of last week’s announcement by the Supreme Court to legalize gay marriage across the country, the sanctity of marriage unexpectedly found itself on the receiving end of yet another cruel blow as yesterday Hollywood couple of ten years Benjamin Géza Affleck and Jennifer Anne Garner formally announced their plans for separation in a joint statement.

“The gays can get married, Ben and Jen are breaking apart – I don’t even know why I bother wearing this stupid thing anymore,” told Ted Morris as he flung his wedding ring of 15 years to the floor while his bride wept quietly in the corner.

“There’s really no point in getting married in America now,” sighed bride-to-be Annette Manchester as she set fire to the $6,000 wedding gown that her father had purchased for her. “That reminds me, I still need to call the caterer and tell him he can go fuck himself…”

As widespread panic of the crumbling sanctity quickly takes its hold on what’s left of the United States, hopeful couples are few and far between and even newlyweds like Brian and Amber Thomas who exchanged their nuptials only two weeks ago on the white sandy beaches of Kauna ‘oa Beach, Hawaii are finding themselves distraught with second thoughts.

“Don’t get me wrong,” explained Thomas solemnly, still showing signs of the tan from his incredible destination wedding, “I love this woman like no other and it was the happiest day of my life when she agreed to spend the rest of hers with me, but now it’s like … what’s marriage even mean anymore???”

“Marriage used to be something that I dreamed about every day as a little girl,” continued his new wife, “but if I had known that the little boy down the street who always dressed a little too nice for church was dreaming about it, too? That’s just icky, and as much as I want to spend the rest of my life happily married to Brian, it’s like this bond between us is slowly being chipped away by these outside forces that literally have absolutely nothing to do with the bond that we share together. It’s just not right, and it makes me sick.”

While the couple remains hopeful that maybe Affleck and Garner will see the impact that their choice is having on an already browbeaten world and reconsider, or even at the very least that perhaps Affleck will be quick to rebound with yet another woman named Jennifer to make the transition a little easier for the rest of us, it’s clear that marriage as a union between two loving souls is basically done for here in America and soon the tax benefits will be the only reason that anyone who isn’t gay bothers to even get married at all.

Those eager to get a jumpstart on shedding themselves of the desecrated bonds currently held with their husbands or wives should look to a number of local bonfires that will be popping up across the country where residents can gather to torch marriage certificates, wedding albums, and any other quaint reminders of the happiness they once shared with their partners before the gays and Ben Affleck took them all away.