Humor Blog Highlights

Real Sex

When I began having sex at the young age of sixteen, I had no idea on earth what I was doing.   More so than any guy, I was just amazed I was able to keep up at all.  Still unwise to the female orgasm, I put on quite a performance for many years.  I didn’t mean to deceive anyone.  I just didn’t know what real sex for a woman could be like.  So I faked it.  Sometimes I believe the guy liked it better when I faked it before I learned I could have the cosmic must-have-every-time orgasm.  This, of course, meant the guy actually had to do some work.  God forbid.

When I discovered the female orgasm, it was like tasting chocolate candy for the first time in my life.  I wanted to save all my money and head down to the five and dime to get a piece every weekend.  I never knew a woman could feel THAT.  It was so great I wondered if it was illegal.  However, except for the occasional public celebrity display arrests we’ve read about, I hadn’t heard of anyone going to jail for enjoying an orgasm.  Apparently the law is on our side concerning this issue.

As time went on I had fantasies, which were probably brought on by the big ‘Tantra’ movement, of really becoming ONE with my guy.  He would feel everything I was feeling, I would feel everything he was feeling and somewhere in the middle we would inhabit each other’s very soul.

These days, if I have an orgasm – fine, if I don’t – fine.  I still enjoy sex but it’s kind of like my favorite candy bar.  I have to actually hand pick the candy bar and then there’s the whole business of unwrapping it and then chewing.  With so much physical labor involved, it doesn’t bother me if I go without chocolate for a day or ten.  And then, even if it’s only bite size, that’s OK.  Sometimes a quick nibble is all you need.  It satisfies the craving and no one is over-exerted.

As a woman who is supposed to be in the peak of her sexuality, sometimes I just feel peaked-out.  It would be nice if, like a face-lift, we could have an inner-lift.  But somehow I don’t think a nip and tuck will do the trick.  And as for the female version of Viagra, I’m too lazy to get up and go get some.

So, at least these days, with work running out my ears, housework building up underneath my toes and scurrying from east to west while my body seems to be heading south, I feel like the little old lady from the medical alert commercial.

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

This is how I am feeling lately due to exhaustion.  In a couple of weeks, who knows?  I may spring forward and have a Madonna moment.  However, if this happens, I’ll be keeping that Hershey’s Kiss all to myself and write about something like…dog food.  How much is too much?

About Kim Burke (19 Posts from 2001 - 2003)
Possibly the funnest thing to come out of Arkansas (not counting the whole Clinton-thing), Kim Burke's Incidents & Accidents help us to make light of the toils life throws our way, because life's too short for ordinary idiots.