TransCanada to Reform Keystone Pipeline for Transporting Sausage Gravy
Alberta, Canada (Just Laugh) – Succumbing to their latest rejection by the Obama administration to permit the 1,179-mile extension of the Keystone Pipeline to route oil sands from Northern Canada through the United States to be exported worldwide via the Gulf of Mexico, TransCanada CEO Russ Girling announced today a significant change in direction to the pipeline project that he’s certain will garner the American support needed to persuade officials that his company very much does have the nation’s best interests at heart, as well as more importantly at stomach, too…
“We really thought that Americans loved oil,” explained Girling Sunday morning, “but apparently some of them are touchy about having it occasionally spilled all over their backyards when there’s almost zero economic benefit for them.”
“Fair enough,” the man conceded with a shrug.
“But that said, we’ve given it some thought over breakfast here and we think we’ve come up with a new solution to this little pickle that we’ve been dangling for the past … how long has Obama been in office now? Anyways, I’m not going to beat around the bush – you folks love gravy and if there’s one thing that your Canadian neighbors to the north are rich in, it’s our delicious, sausage gravy with a little slice of hog heaven in each bite, so here’s the thing…”
“Forget the oil,” announced Girling. “I’m here to tell you that starting today, oil is taking a backseat to our business at TransCanada because today we’re happy to say that we’re a sausage gravy shop, and that’s precisely what we plan to use the new phase of the Keystone Pipeline for – transporting our beloved sausage gravy directly from our kitchens to the breakfast plates of hungry Americans who are just waking up for a bite to eat!”
“No oil. Not a drop. We promise.”
“And even better yet, because we’re so sure that our sausage gravy is going to be loved by Americans even more than your McMuffins and McGriddles and McHeartAttacks or whatever the hell you people call breakfast from your deathbeds, we can systematically guarantee that the new and reformed Keystone Pipeline will most definitely be the safest pipeline ever built because even in the event of an unforeseen disaster, not only do we not expect any complaints should we accidentally spill a few thousand gallons of delicious gravy across your nation’s landscape … but we’re pretty sure we’ll have volunteers lining up by the dozens just for a chance at helping to clean the delicious “accident” up!”
Citing the capacity to transport upwards of 830,000 barrels of finger-licking sausage gravy throughout the United States each day, the newly proposed Keystone Pipeline is expected to be approved by President Obama by the end of the day, fueled by a hearty brunch crowd and gravy-inspired protests already spilling out of bed across the midwest.