Humor Blog Highlights

Making Sure the Perfect Gift is Perfect

The other day I’m walking around the mall. I like to go to the mall and look. People, stores, anything to kill time. Faces pass by, mostly stay at home moms, retirees, and the occasional kid playing hooky, as it’s Wednesday afternoon.

As I’m strolling down the main part of the huge complex, my eyes come across a Victoria’s Secret store. I glance to that direction, for absolutely no reason. Okay, there is a reason, it’s the enormous poster of some beautiful Victoria’s Secret angel attempting to sell some skimpy lingerie.

I admire the sight and in my view appears one of the most angelic faces I’ve ever seen. It was a woman, about 5’8″, 115 lbs., sandy brown hair and a great smile. She was employed there as an associate. I stop dead in my tracks and notice that the store is fairly empty from customers.

This is my chance. I’m going to ask her out.

For the next several minutes I ponder my attack. There is absolutely no reason for me to walk into this store, as I’m alone. The only reason for me to enter is the sole purpose of shopping for my significant other. But if I do that, then this woman that I wish to ask out will think I’m dating somebody. And if I do walk in, she will most likely know the reason why. So what do I do?

I think about the situation and find no answer.

Then it hits me. “Just go ask her out.” A voice in my head chimes these simple, yet magical words.

I make my way up to the entrance and lock the woman in my view. She smiles at me and looks away, seeing that a co-worker, another woman, wants to talk to her. The two converse for a moment. I can’t hear what is being said because the two are still a good distance away.

As I inch my way closer, I begin to hear bits of the conversation. The words become clear. The woman I wish to ask out says, “I love that place. My boyfriend and I go there all the time.” Her boyfriend, the two words that alter my plan.

Hearing this, my first instinct is to turn around and leave. There’s only one problem, I’m right next to them. When I finally stop, the two women look at me. My eyes bulge.

Thoughts race in my mind, thinking of a way to not make myself look like an idiot.

“Can I help you?” the woman I want to go out with asks.

“Uh,” I stumble. I catch myself and proceed. “You’re about the same size as my girlfriend. Can you try something on for me?”

The only reason why I say this is because I once saw it in a movie and the clerk complied.

The woman, embarrassed, but slightly intrigued, smiles and replies, “I really can’t do that.”

I urge her on. “I just want to make sure it’s a perfect fit. If you could do this for me, it would really help me out.”

She looks around to see if anyone is present.

Nervously, she backs away. But the flattery is still there.

“I don’t know. I just don’t think I should,” she remarks.

“Please, I would really appreciate it if you did,” I say, trying one last time. By now, every ounce of so-called charm is expended.

The woman smiles. I break her down. She then looks at me and says, “I would love to try this on…but this is a dildo, sir.”

“I know, just put it in your mouth and in your ass for a minute,” I beg.

And as I’m getting thrown out, I smile to myself knowing that I still have it.

About Jason Tanamor (44 Posts from 2001 - 2003)
The writings of Jason Tanamor display obvious influence from many very different stylings, all the way from the wackiness and off-the-wall concepts of Dave Barry to the detailed analysis of a young and hip Jerry Seinfeld.